Eustass the Explorer
by Tally Mai-chan
Summary: Because Eustass Kid and Dora the Explorer go together. Rated M for swearing. Kids under 10 stay far way.


Tally Mai-chan: I'm 17 and watching Dora the Explorer... and because I'm me I turn that into a fanfiction. I actually watched an episode for this...

This story is AU and takes place in our world where Kid and Killer are collage attending roommates.

* * *

"No."

Killer shook his head, blond bangs falling across his eyes. "You're not allowed off that couch."

"Then turn the TV off."

The blond man sighed "You know that I can't do that. That outlet is busted. If I touch the TV or the power chord I'll get a one way trip to the hospital."

"I bailed your mom out of jail."

"Yes." Killer shrugged on a red jacket, pulling his long hair out. Not hiding his contempt. "After she got caught holding _your_ drugs."

"Don't do this to meee!" Kid whined like a little child that didn't get his way. Pulling the fuzzy, sheep wool quilt over his face. Anything to drown _that show_ out. To make things worse he was sick. He hated being sick. Stupid Monkey kid, coming to class and sneezing everywhere. But _that show_...

"_Do-do-do-do-do-dora!  
Do-do-do-do-do-dora!  
Do-do-do-do-do-dora!  
Do-do-do-do-do-dora!"_

"I have to go get your prescription from the grocery. I'll be back soon." Killer left, locking the door behind him. That bastard, Kid inwardly raged, he took my jacket.

The TV was stuck on Nick Jr. The station that all the snot nosed, toddlers watched. The icing on the shit cake? It was an all day marathon of Dora the Explorer.

"_Dora, Dora, Dora the explorer!"_

There was no place for refuge in the miniscule dorm he and Killer shared. There was a living room with one busted TV. A Table missing one leg-an umbrella used as a quick replacement- and a couch with no cushions. There was only one bedroom with an old bunk bed that was a relic of the 60's.

"_Whose that super cool explora_?"

Kid sat sandwiched between five comforters and a woolen quilt with white sheep sown jumping over fences on it, a gift from his Aunt. Three under-stuffed pillows piled beneath his congested head. A box of tissues in one hand and the other reaching for a knife hidden under the door mat. He was short by five feet.

"_Grab your backpack! Let's go! Jump in. Vaminos!"_

"Yes I want to vam-it." Kid watched his sanity dwindle away as the cartoon characters with big, google eyes dance and run across the flashing TV screen.

"_Do-do-dora!  
Do-do-do-dora!  
Do-do-dora!  
Do-do-do-dora!_

_Swiper no swiping!  
Swiper no swiping__"_

"_Aw man!"_ The orange fox with the blue bandana around it's face snapped it's fingers, running off.

"Fox?" Kid wheezed, blowing his nose into a tissue. "More like a pussy. What kind of thief just stops become someone tells you too?"

The opening song ended and Dora started talking. "Hi! I'm Boots! Boot's the monkey!"

"Bi-polar?" Kid stared as the cartoon kindergartener jumped around like Monkey boy in Math class. "Your not a freaking monkey!"

The blue monkey laughed together with Dora. "That's silly! You're not boots! You're Dora." More laughter.

"Let's start over." Dora said. "Hi! I'm Dora. Dora the Explorer!"

"And I'm Boots!" The blue monkey pulled a banana out of the air, balancing the fruit on it's head. "Boots the banana head!"

"Now you're being silly boots." Dora laughed.

The monkey 'keke'ed and squeezed the banana out of it's peel, opening it's mouth and eating the fruit whole.

"He can sure swallow a lot." Kid laughed, feeling witty for making an innuendo out of a children's show.

Kid watched as a whimsical blue mail bird flew on screen. It had a package for Dora and Boots! But the stupid bird was blind and couldn't see them. The two kids shouted and shouted, the bird flew right over them _twice_.

It had a-gasp-invitation for them! The bird pulled a bunch of shit out of it's bag. A frying pan, a lamp, and a much fluffier pillow than kid could ever hope for.

They got their stupid invitation to some stupid silly party hosted by a fat obese chicken. That red chicken would look good roasting over a fire. Killer wouldn't let him eat anything but noodles and stale bread for the next week.

Dora looked at the screen. "Do you want to go to the fiesta?"

"Will there be naked chicks?"

The Mexican girl stared at the screen, her big eyes blinking. "Great! Let's go!"

They walked for five seconds until the big red shit started to scream for help. He couldn't throw his party without his cake! Dora, being the goody-goody two shoes she was, offered to find the cake.

"Oh my god!" Kid shouted, rolling under his quilt. "The freaking chicken lost it's cake! Call the police, the fire department. Get the freaking SWAT team in there!"

They needed to help the fat chicken! But they didn't know the way there even though they were on a clearly marked road that clearly went to the hill the fiesta was on.

"You're on the freaking road! Are you blind!"

Dora turned her back to the screen, looking over her shoulder. "Who do we can when we don't know how to get somewhere?"

"Map quest?"

"The map! That's right!"

"Who the hell uses maps anymore? It's called get a GPS."

"Say map!" Dora said.

"Say map! Say map!" Chimed in Boots.

"Why do I have to say map? Get your own damn, talking map out."

The map jumped on screen, doing it's song and a map dance. Dora wanted to get to the super silly fiesta! First they had to got through the singing gate! Woooh! Scary. Then cross the troll bridge. OMG a troll.

Killer was a troll.

"Gate. Bridge. Fiesta!" Dora shouted, point as little squares with a image of each place inside. "Which one is first?"

Kid's jaw dropped. God. His two year-old cousin was smarter than this bitch. No wonder kid's were dropping out of school. Their minds were rotted by all this dumb shit.

"Hmm? Maybe it's the gate? You said it first and that map said it five freaking times."

"The singing gate! Let's go!"

Dora and Boots walked down the road when they stopped for no apparent reason. "Where's the singing gate?"

Kid face-palmed. "Jeezus! Walk down the freaking road! It's right there!"

They walked down the road, getting the words to their own theme song wrong three times. They've sung that stupid song for ten years (yes Dora has been around that long) and they can't remember the lyrics to their own songs? Freaking toddler had a brain tumor or something.

They meet that other Mexican bitch, Diego or whatever his name was, alongside the road. Oh my god. The cow is meowing, the dog neighing and the frog was chirping. We have to get the animal's call right! Doesn't matter that there's some obese(now that he thought about it the chicken probably ate the cake then pretended to lose it just so he could get another for free) fat chicken with a missing cake.

"Don't you know your own freaking animal sounds?" Kid questioned as Dora and Diegwhore asked the audience for help. That answered his question. They were so stupid because they were always asking three year olds for help.

Fifteen minutes into the show and they finally got to the singing gate. Kid dozed off, thinking of Diegwhore all the the animals the five year old fucked. His nose was too clogged up with green snot to let him sleep peacefully and when he woke up again Dora and the blue monkey-slave were at the Troll bridge.

The troll looked a lot like Killer.

"I'm the grumpy old troooooll." The yellow Furbie sang. "Who lives under a briiiiiiiidge. Hey! You can't go over my bridge... unless... you can make me laugh!"

"What's the difference between a- (this is where Kid tells a dead baby joke. But they're so so horrible and twisted (I tried to find good one's but they're all demented) and that one joke alone would have made this fic M+++. But really, don't go reading dead baby jokes. They're sick.)- off."

Dora and Boots came up with a more... humane solution. Making funny faces.

They want his help too! Gee wiz, Kid always wanted to help a five year old girl and her monkey make silly faces!

He made fake gagging noises, and ended up actually throwing up on the floor. He hated begin sick.

The clock hanging on the wall above the TV read, 11:23 am. Killer left at eleven. The grocery wasn't that far from the dorm, it was right outside the collage and had a small cafe extension that made the best scones in town.

Kid could see Killer munching on blueberry scones, Kid's prescription in hand, taking his good old time coming home. He wasn't harboring a grudge about his mother was he? She was only in jail for three days, and sure she came back with a dick tattooed on her back but other than that no harm was done.

Dora and her pussy monkey Boots got over the bridge and found the Fiesta hill! But wait! It's on a hill and they sure as hell couldn't just walk up it. No, they had to get a purple squirrel to _fly_ them to it.

As Dora, the monkey and the squirrel flew up beside the impossibly steep hill, Kid couldn't help but wonder how the chicken even got up that hill. It rose at a 90 degree angle! Chicken's can't fly. Especially fat obese ones. Why even have a party there? How the hell was anyone going to get to that stupid fiesta?

Just proves that he is smarter than TV logic.

Two minute's later Kid felt the worst disappointment he had ever felt. The cake was on top of the freaking obese chicken's head!

"No!" Kid raged, throwing his pillow at the TV and hitting the wall. "No! No! No! Noooooooo! The cake was on it's head! Seriously! The chicken was shouting bloody murder the whole half hour and the cake was on it's head the whole time? No! God! What? That fox couldn't have taken it? That would have been a much, much better ending!"

The door opened and Killer walked in. A brown paper bag and a clear bag filled with scones held tightly in one hand.

"It's freezing out there." Killer muttered. The brown paper bag crackled as he tugged it open, pulling out the orange bottle with a white cap filled with light blue pills. He tossed it to Kid on the couch, the bottle landing on his stomach. "You need to take six a day." Killer paused to take his jacket off, hanging it on a wire sticking un-purposely out of the wall.

Kid twisted the cap off, shaking out six pills onto his palm and swallowing them all.

"The description said to take one each hour for six hours for three days and-" Killer trailed off eying the open bottle suspiciously. He snatched the bottle from Kid's hand, shaking it. "How many pills did you take."

"Six."

Killer threw the bottle to the ground, his voice barley contained. "You're not supposed to take them all at once! The label said that the pills cause drowsiness and taking more than one an hour could cause hallucinations!"

"No shit!" Kid laughed, unworried.

Killer fumed, tugging on his blond bangs. "God your helpless." He grabbed his bag of scones, fuming as he jerked the door open. For added measure he tore Kid's jacket off the wire and let it fall to the floor in a crumpled heap.

"Where are you going?" Kid flipped over onto his stomach to watch Killer.

"I'm not watching that shit." Killer jerked his head at the TV, and just before he closed the door, an evil grin on his face, he said, "Have fun."

"I hate you!" Kid howled, throwing his box of tissues at the door. Bad move. What the hell was he thinking! He needed those. He wasn't thinking. How could he think? He had a headache the size of Texas.

Dora was has happy as ever on her stupid as shit show. While he was miserably waiting for the drugs to take affect, to slap him to sleep so he could dream crazy shit for a few hours. He smothered his face into his pillows, entertaining the thought of suffocating Killer with a pillow the moment he recovered.

He fought against his quilt, kicking and punching until it resigned, allowing him to turn on his side. Dora was still on, talking to her blue-dope she Mexican? American? Both? Canadian?

Oh, and the TV was on fire.

A bright orange lick of flame danced on top of the TV, steadily growing. Slowly consuming until the whole television was a blaze of orange, red and yellow. Smoke drifted to the ceiling, playing with the smoke alarm. He was supposed to put new batteries in it. One month ago.

He rubbed his eyes, feeling the drugs starting their work. He gave the television a blasé glance. Debating if it was real or not. Killer said he could have hallucinations. This was probably one.

He sighed, slipping deeper into the cushionless couch, the blankets molding around his body. The smoke drifted across the nasty peach colored ceiling. Kid coughed, wishing he had his tissues back.

* * *

"I hate that idiot!" Killer stormed into the dorm common room, plopping himself down on the the nearest couch, attacking his blueberry scone. "I take him to the doctor, I buy his medicine, and all he dose is _bitch_."

Music student, Apoo turned away from the football game on the TV. "You're still not mad about him getting your mom sent to jail are you? That was a year ago! She got the tattoo removed."

"I would have given him a check-up." Trafalgar Law said from across the room, siting in a chair with a medical book spread across his lap.

"You're too easily fired up." Drake commented dryly from beside Apoo. A few other men nodding in agreement. Kid and Killer were practically infamous in the dorm, and with good reason. They've done the craziest of shit.

"Yeah," Apoo walked over to Killer, helping himself to a scone. Killer growled but the lanky man ignored him. "He's sick, and you guys have the broken TV. He has to be bored out of his mind. I don't blame him for being a whinny bitch."

Law joined in on the party, his medical book abandoned on the chair. "So what channel is it stuck on? When El Douche blessed me with that pile of shit it was nothing but MTV trash for a whole month."

Killer hesitated before answering, much to the amusement of the others. "Nick Jr."

"That poor man!" Apoo chortled.

"Not even my _five year old _nephew watches that" Drake shook his head.

Law hid his laughter, watching Killers reaction. It was something between embarrassment and empathy. "How that TV still works is a wonder."

"Isn't the outlet in your dorm busted?"

Everyone turned to the newcomer. It was Hawkins. Hawkins almost never talked to anyone, and what he did say was vague, cryptic phrases that one way or another came true.

Killer nodded, understanding what Hawkins said for once. "Yeah... Kid dared me to jam a fork inside and let go before I got electrocuted."

Apoo grimaced. "Yeah, not only did I lose that bet but I had to pay for your hospital bills as well."

Hawkins was impassive. "The shadow of death is upon Eustass Kid." And without preamble he turned and left.

Everyone on the room was silent. On the TV the crowd cheered as a touchdown was scored. Slowly, Hawkin's words sank in.

"I think that you should go check on Eustass." Drake said to Killer. Law and Apoo nodded in agreement.

Killer was livid. "No!" He shouted. "Staw-man Hawkins says a few words and it's all 'go check on Eustass'? He's fine. I bet right now he's fast asleep. Doped up on prescription drugs. I'm tired of that bastard."

Apoo was uneasy. "Hawkins is right a lot. I don't think he's ever been wrong."

"About tests or the weather!" Killer argued. "Yeah sure, he knew about three snow days two days before hand. And he knew that Law got a 'C' on a test-"

"It would have been and A if that teacher wasn't an ass." Law interjected.

"So he's a goddamn psychic now? He can just predict Kid will die?"

Drake suddenly sniffed the air, sensing something was off. His eyes turned to the dorm hall. A thin trail of smoke crawling across the ceiling and rising up in the large room. Everyone was oblivious too it.

"Killer..."

"I'm not listening!" Killer shouted, firmly planting himself infront of the TV. Having no intention of getting up ever again. Drake sighed, and taking a handful of the blonds hair, jerked hard. Killer yelped in pain, his head knocking into the fake wood floor.

"Shit Drake! Why the hell did you..." The angry blond trailed off, his eyes focusing on the trail of smoke, coming from the hall, where his room was.

Apoo and Law saw his expression change from rage, to horror. They turned and knew why.

Law pulled a sleek black phone from his pocket, punching in three numbers. "... Hello? 911? Yes, there is a fire at Ridgeway Collage Dorms on Hempt St. Please hurry... thank you."

* * *

Kid wasn't so sure he was hallucinating anymore. The TV was half melted, the black plastic goo puddling on the floor. The fire spread up the wall, eating the clock and burning, burning, burning. Smoke flooded the room, choking him.

His eyes drooped, the heat lulling him to sleep. Thoughts of danger floated sluggishly at the back of his mind. He had to get out. He need to get to the door.

"What do we need to do when we don't know how to get somewhere?" Dora said, smiling, her big round eyes blinking in anticipation.

"Don't tell me..." Kid wheezed, smoke burning his lungs. "A map."

"That's right!" Dora cheered, a talking map with eyes popping out of her purple backpack.

"I'm the map!" Said the map.

"No... shit."

"Eustass needs to get to the door so he doesn't die a painful death by fire!" The map giggled.

"You make it sound so fun."

"To get to the door you need to... Roll off the cheap couch! Crawl across the ugly brown carpet! Open the door! Couch, carpet, door! Couch, carpet, door!"

The map jumped back into it's backpack pocket and Dora had a big smile on her face. "Couch, carpet, door! Which one is first?"

"The door." Kid groaned, his mind reeling. His couldn't move his legs. He was too tired.

"Wrong!" Dora laughed, "Are you retarded? It's the couch! Now roll of the couch before you suffocate!"

"Shit." Kid was sweating under the wool quilt. The heat was unbearable, he wanted a glass of water. On the floor right next to Dora a glass of ice cold water appeared. It looked so goddamn refreshing.

Using what strength he had in him he squirmed off the couch, kicking off his woolen quilt. He slid a leg off, then the other. The smoke wrapped around his head, stinging his eyes and burning his lungs. He stood up on shaky legs.

He could do this, he could do this, he could not do this. In a second his legs caved and he face vaulted to the ground. Right where he threw up earlier.

"Great!" Dora cheered. "You got off the couch, now you have to crawl across the carpet!"

When Kid rolled off his half crusted puke he found could breathe again. A pocket of clean air, a foot in height, lingering beneath the smoke. He just needed to close his eyes for a bit. Then he could go on.

"No silly!" Diegwhore replaced Dora. "You need to crawl to the door! Can you tell me what animal slithers across the ground? They have scaly skin and make a 'SSSSsssss' sound."

"Let me sleep."

"Do you want to die? Keep going!"

Kid didn't want to. He was too sleepy. His eyes were closed and it was like he had never slept in his entire life. It felt so good to close his eyes, but it was too hot. He was sweating too much. He wiped his forehead, his sweaty hand only adding more to the sweat puddle.

"Look you shitty bastard!" Dora shouted in his ear. "You're on fire!"

Kid forced his eyes open, lifting his head. A flaming piece of the wall plaster had fallen beside his leg, the hungry fire eagerly consuming the floor and his black pajama pants. He watched the fire crawl up his leg until he lost the strength to keep his head up.

"I'm going to take your shit!" Swiper the pussy fox leaned over his head.

Swiper no swiping

The door broke open. Someone shouted his name.

"I'm going to take all your shit." Swiper teased, blowing a raspberry in his face.

Thin hands wrapped around his arms, dragging him across the carpet. Swiper danced next to him. Singing.

"I'm taking all your shit. I'm taking all your shit. I'm taking all your shit."

Swiper no swiping

He closed his eyes, the urge for sweet sleep was too much to resist. It was easy to breath. The heat was gone.

Pounding on his leg, people shouting, his whole body shaking. No, _someone_ was shaking him.

"Hey! Kid, wake up! Can you hear me?" Kid vaguely identified the voice as Killer's. "Say something if you can hear me!"

"Swiper... no swiping." He murmured.

* * *

"This totally makes up for me getting your mom in jail."

A vein throbbed on Killers temple. His voice low, and dangerous. "In what _way_. Dose this make up for that?"

Kid pondered the question for a while. He was just talking shit but maybe he could pull something out of his ass. "I had to watch Dora the Exwhore-a. Had to suffer through drug induced hallucinations and was almost burned alive. Oh and that damn fox almost took all my shit."

Killer walked to his bed, ripped the IV drip out of his arm and yanked the soft white pillow from beneath Kid's head. "I told you to take _one_ pill an hour, and _I_ was the one who saved your ass."

Kid bit his lips, blood pouring from his arm, that hurt like hell. Now the nurse has to spend another ten minutes trying to find his vein. Ugh.

"You're fat, ugly, yellow troll Killer!" Kid shouted as Killer stormed from his hospital room.

Killer flipped the bird.

* * *

Tally Mai-chan: Did you like it? Then please review! Why did I watch Dora? Because I was too lazy to change the channel but hey, it lead me to writing this!

Review!

Please?


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